Still, Reflective, and Solo (Thanksgiving 2013)

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Please enjoy it
the way that you see fit. Today I’ll be still, reflective, and solo. My
only mission for Thanksgiving 2013 is self-care. I’m neither sad nor
depressed. I’m not anti-social and I’m definitely not
anti-family (shout out to the McCullough and the Silver families). The
last 14 months, however, have been life-altering for me. I’ve lost a
great deal: some family, some colleagues, lots of stability, my home,
and too frequently, my peace of mind. Instead of fully processing and
re-adjusting, I’ve worked through the grief, been traveling and have
attended to other people – hiding from my own issues.

troubling, though, is that I’ve focused too much on what I don’t have
and what has NOT happened for me. I’ve also focused too much on my
wrongdoings, failures, and shortcomings. And I’ve certainly been too
focused on me not being or having enough – not being smart enough and
not having enough power; not being fast enough nor in step; not being
stable and not having enough money (!); not feeling beautiful and not
being confident. For some time, I’ve doubted that I have enough of
anything to get to the next level. My faith has been shaken. I’ve been
too focused on all the deficits, comparing myself to others, peeping
over fences, and wondering “How come I don’t have that?” or “When is my
turn?” And then I’d beat myself up because I’m supposed to know better,
I’m supposed to be past all my adolescent, self-pitying yearnings. One
would think.

A shift happens for me only when I’m still,
reflective, and solo. Different people need different tools in order to
shift gears. I need quiet so that I can silence the whining child in my
head and humble myself to the re-birthing process that has dominated my
life lately. I now respect my every wrongdoing, failure, shortcoming,
and deficit as a rung, every hole as a grip. I respect myself as worthy
of forgiveness, as I forgive freely. I give thanks knowing that I’m
blessed, that I’m more than sufficient, and that since God saw fit to
wake me up this morning, I’d better make the best of it!

~ ars.